Sometimes Its Just a Question of Character

I just finished catching the tail-end of The Story of Us. Every time I see this movie, it gets me. Marriage is hard work. The payoff is excellent if the necessary commitment--by both parties--is realized.

I see married couples everyday all day at my job. It's very easy to distinguish those who have put in the work and those who have not. It makes my day to hear the happiness in the voices of those who have taken the time to strengthen and maintain their relationship, long term. Like I said, marriage is hard work.

I didn't leave the kingdom on a whim. I tormented with the decision for some time. I attended marriage counseling, solo. But just two weeks after I had left, I began to get reports from neighbors--three, in fact--letting me know that JB had began seeing someone else on a consistent and regular basis.

I don't begrudge him for this. I just wish he had been honest. No, really--I expected him to be honest.

But his actions are just the confirmation I suspected would validate my decision to leave.

A Tumultuous Tale of Women

I've been a long distance parent for 6 years now and I've finally come to realize my daughters are very strong individuals.

They opted to be independent--at 15 and 16-- after given that opportunity by the Texas Court System. Children are deemed competent at 15-- based on the definition of legal age--to make their own choices, according to Texas law.

So, the girls chose to stay in Texas with their father. Both were born in Texas, they argued, and all their friends were there. Truth be told, the three of them lived together less than 6 months. The girls were living independently at far too young an age.

And here we are 6 years later.

You have to learn to trust your decisions... have faith that you made the best decision based on the information you had at that particular time.

The high dollar Texas lawyer who shared that piece of wisdom was worth every penny I paid him. He and I changed Texas history by upsetting the Texas Firefighter's pension fund, when representatives stated they did not recognize QDROS. Needless to say, they do now.

Change is indeed, inevitable.

I get phone calls from both my daughters pretty regularly--3 or 4 times a week. Anytime there's a controversy, both will call within an hour or so of the other. I listen. They talk.

I offer encouragement in dealing with life's difficulties. I tell them worries today are replaced with new ones next month or next year. I advise them to continue developing their coping skills. Trust their instincts. Decide what kind of life they want and make it happen.

All this time, I have worried myself sick because they were on their own. But I've tried to find comfort in the core ideals and morality I impressed upon as little girls. On the occasions I forget this--and panic-- JB graciously reminds me. He tells me these childhood lessons I have taught them... will sustain them in any crisis.

Faithful To The End

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When

I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me.'

Flowers in the Dungeon

I'm crossing things off my list, getting ready for the next thing.

I've reach a point in my life that I understand the ebb and flow of day to day living. Tackle the waves one at a time. Rest and gather my strength in between--because I know the next one is coming.

Over the weekend, I tackled apple butter with 9 other brave souls. This morning, I tackled a biology test.

There were a few times I mentally tried to recreate my notes of formulas, coenzymes and intermediates. The consistent sighs I heard from other students in the room reminded me I was no different. We all do what we can do.

Like this hibiscus that once enjoyed the warmth of the summer sun but blooms in the basement in winter, we all eventually learn that in order to thrive--or even survive--we must remain flexible.

You've Got A Friend...

My favorite book states very clearly, early on, that life is all about struggles. I know that sounds a bit depressing, but there's more.

Rather than let those struggles swallow us up, we should be perfecting our coping abilities. And that, my dear, is the stuff that defines our character... how we deal with life's ups and downs.
I've owned several copies. Each one has found its way into the hands of someone I felt could benefit from all those highlighted paragraphs and dog-eared pages.

One copy, I'm sure, I sent home with my oldest daughter after one of her visits. It's a three-hour plane ride from here to DFW , so I felt confident that she would feel compelled to pass the time with this book given to her at the last minute at the airport. She's a reader, for sure.

I pulled this trick several times on her and her younger sister. Before a visit, I'd find a "thinking" book and read it before they arrived, highlighting what I thought would be of benefit. Then, when they started looking for something to read on the plane, I'd offer it up. I knew--at the very least--they'd read what I had highlighted.

It's always better if you can learn the lesson yourself, whether it be reading the written word or through the trials and tribulations of first hand experience. It is through the pain of confronting and solving problems that we learn.

First hand experiences define who we are, what we like and dislike, what we want and what we absolutely cannot tolerate any longer.

There comes a point in everyone's life when talking to yourself--whether out loud or mentally-- is inevitable. The words have to be spoken. The decisions have to made. The only way your life is going to improve is when you decide to improve it. There's just no easy way to make it happen.

So the plans are laid out. The decisions are made--and off you go!

But you're not alone. You have made friends with yourself.

Still Water Runs Deep

Everyone alive must fish, according to Mark Nepo, who wrote The Book of Awakening. But this requires stillness and patience and a willingness to drift.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll learn patience. He'll also soon figure out that a great deal of time will be spent waiting on the fish.

So, he follows the methods of those he views as wiser or more experienced. But his catch will come in it's own good time.

Strength is required to wait quietly and use this time for quiet contemplation. Nepo likened our personal truths to the fish, living deep below the water not wanting to be caught. It's no surprise that the weak grow agitated, and abandon the effort before the fish bite.

To provide nourishment the fisherman must bridge the gap between the elusive fish and the eventual feast.

So he proceeds cautiously, but resolutely, with what he feels will produce the desired results. This situation calls for consistency and patience. And patience is a powerful force.

But, time is an ally with those who posess inner strength - the kind of strength that allows you to be uncompromisingly honest with yourself, while sticking to the path you have charted. Perseverance with a positive attitude, can weaken even the hardest obstacles.

To rush anything, or impatiently force results, stimulates resistance and may cause setbacks.
Like a crash diet, you achieve surfacey changes that may just as quickly be reversed. Steadfast waiting - holding to your integrity - leads to slow but permanent improvements.

The young man brought JB a Father's Day card which read: Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in the boat all day, drinking beer.

The photo is me and Grandaddy Jack (Pop's father) on our way to an ocean fishing trip.

How To Tell The City Boys From The Country Boys

A Basketful of Dog

 

 

Haji Mo, in his usual off beat fashion, is utilizing his available resources...

He was the last dog to join our hodge podge of animals. Since deciding he likes outdoor living better, he has laid claim to the covered deck. From this high vantage point, he can appear larger than life to the neighborhood animals.

A big dog trapped in a little dog's body, he has learned he must be creative.

Easter Monday or HAPPY DAY

I was often teased that I'd use any excuse to celebrate. I guess it's the "Pollyanna" in me (let's find a reason to be happy).

When you have small children in the home, you relish the giggles and smiles. You want them to be happy, so you spend the largest majority of your time and energy preoccupied with that concept. I remember once making a "Happy Day" cake for my girls, with the full understanding that sometimes you just can't wait for the next birthday.

I feel like my two daughters should have quite a few good childhood memories, and a varied assortment of family traditions. My own childhood memories and family traditions still provide a wealth of information for me... good feelings, points to ponder and amusement.. like that groovy Easter pic yesterday.

I don't know how they plan to use all this information, but I have faith they will figure that out. When they were growing up, our family time was consumed with all things adolescent girls deem life sustaining... the sleepovers, band and orchestra concerts, tennis and softball, ballet and jazz.... I was counting on raising well-rounded thinking young women.

See, that's the thing. We always hope that we have provided enough information, afforded enough opportunities, established the best morals and integrity...

That's how you show gratitude for the gift of a child, right?

The REAL Secret

Yesterday I had an absolutely marvelous day. It didn't start that way, but I was hell bent on having a good day so I rolled with the flow. I acted like all the worries and insecurities of the world just didn't exist AT ALL.

I thought I'd try this approach to life based on some surprising information shared by two members of my women's circle. These sixty-ish ladies plow through life with their own agenda, oblivious to daily upsets. They had no problem sharing their secret--I had to ask!

It appears you should have fun in life and do what makes you happy. And the key to a successful marriage is food and sex. Sounds so simple… why hadn't I thought of that?

I might occasionally get distracted by those three 20-something children we have whose lives I cannot make perfect. That individual up the road that is hell-bent on being the social coordinator and Queen of Unsolicited Advice might be crowding me a bit, too. Well, yesterday I let all that go.

I started planning dinner at about noon or so. I gave my other half the needed attention (he called it "spontaneous combustion") and went out to trim the hedges ignoring the fact that I have no hedgetrimers. Piss on it--I can do just fine with my clippers.

I cleared out the garden when my other half fired up the tiller and said he would run it, if I cleared the garden out. I played "gopher" and fetched the tools he asked for--enjoying the walk up the hill, back to the house--maybe 3 times. I dutifully sat on the hillside and watched my other half cut down a big ass dead tree. (I don't understand that one, but for some reason, a wife is needed to watch these things.)

I pulled off a apple bourbon pork roast and some Cajun roasted potatoes, despite the fact there were five or six young men in their 20s playing VERY LOUD MUSIC in the studio. I pulled it off so well, they didn't even realize we had had dinner! I have found that young men are like strays… if you feed them, they will never go home.

I did break that last rule when my stepson (soon to be 24!) mentioned he had not eaten anything all day and was looking a bit faint. I gave him the old analogy about gasoline and cars and how food is the fuel your body must have to keep going. I hope he listened and understood. Then I served up cheese and crackers and hot beef dip. After he and a friend inhaled ALL OF IT, along with a pitcher of lemonade, while standing over the island in the kitchen, they left. That's when I was struck with the reality of what those two wise women had told me….

Men really only need two things to be utterly, completely happy: food and sex.

Absolutely, Positively

The persistence of negativity is a constant in human life. Just when you think everything is fine--up it will pop again-- sprouting through some crack in the pavement of day to day living. Garden-variety lies and deceit are the most common and persistent, but should be rooted out just as diligently.

You must be resolved against negativity - whether in your social or professional life, or in your own soul. In either case, definite rules must be followed for the struggle to succeed.

The first rule: Do not attempt to compromise with evil. Negative actions must be identified openly for just what they are, and immediately discredited.

The second: You cannot resist negativity on its own terms. New, positive alternatives which lead away from the source of the problem are generally more successful and appropriate, than to counter negativity with raw power.

The third rule: The means used to counter negativity must be consistent with the end to be achieved. You can't stop the bad behavior with knee-jerk responses. Take a breath and think before you react.

I tend to think of negativity in terms of weeds in the garden... Weeds are inevitable. But with preparation and planning, you can keep them at bay, ensuring growth of the good things you had planned.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Trust your gut instincts and you'll never go wrong. If something just doesn't feel right, it generally isn't right.

Always pay attention to those red flags your mind throws at you.