I'm Singing

I've held off posting for days, unsure of what to release. Life is not pristine--but I've pointed that out many, many times. Whose life is??

Sometimes I think we are a product of the media. We read fairy tales. We see far too many romance comedies where everything works out happily every after. Is there such a thing?
It's just plain mean to present such propaganda!!

It is what it is.

I read those posts of happy family life. I'm skeptical. I had that perfectly-presented-to-the-public-life for some 18 years. When I got to the point that it became increasingly painful to live the lie, I divorced the guy. We all have the right--and obligation--to live a truly happy life.

I'm down for the truth these days. Why mislead any unsuspecting youth? It just wouldn't be fair.

I'm into this marriage 7 years now. I'd like to think it's perfect, but I know better. I am thankful that I realize my happiness is not dependent upon it.

Now, that's progress.

The More Things Change...

the more it stays the same...

Holidays (or just days) can sometimes put a strain on our fairy-tale relationships. I'm beginning to realize how important it is to not take these times of adversity too seriously.

My sister finds the humor in any given situation. She gave Momo the pillow pictured above, and the stress doll, pictured below:


What wonderful gift ideas!

Evolution Over Perfection

The Marriage or Lovers Card in Tarot is a hypothetical crossroad, indicating an opportunity for growth through your choice of relationships.

All through our upbringing, we have been saturated with "happily-ever-after" and other such images which neglect to illustrate the trials and tribulations--the rough spots-- of marriage.

It's no wonder half of marriages end in divorce! Something must definitely be wrong if things just don't fall into place, right?

It used to be a marriage was for life. People married young, grew together and toughed it out. I always enjoy stories from those who have been married a hundred years.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I realize now my first marriage was just a youthful mistake. The second lacked the communication necessary to make it lasting. This time around, I have my eyes wide open.

We communicate honestly--even when it hurts! It takes a bit more thought to put your ideas out there... tactfully and diplomatically.

That's because I truly believe your partner is meant to challenge you emotionally. The challenge is to see whether the two of you can grow--not only grow closer, but to grow as individuals. The point of any relationship is to bring out the best in both. Not one or the other--BOTH.

I find it interesting too, that we are quick to go into great detail about the kids, but husbands and partners are alway presented in this perfect Prince Charming persona. Why is that? Are we still living the fairy tale mentally?

I do have a theory. If you talk good about your husband, or if you talk bad about your husband--either way, he'll prove you wrong.

Find Out What Works

Just when you think you have everything all figured out, someone throws in a curve ball.

During a recent visit to Momo & Pop's that very thing occurred.

Momo and I were visiting in the living room when I detected a scrubbing sound coming from the bathroom.

"What's Pop scrubbing?" I asked.

Of course this simple question was met with facial contortions and snorts.

Within minutes, Pop emerged from the bathroom announcing the sink and tub had been scrubbed clean. He added the toilet was clean as well.

Well, Momo shot up in amazement and went to inspect Pop's handiwork.

The plot thickens.

Turns out, Momo had mentioned how the sink and tub had hard water stains, etc. and needed to be replaced.



Pop, on the other hand, knew for sure he had SOMETHING that would get them clean (so they would not have to be replaced).

Looks like he rummaged around in his shop until he found something that he knew would do the job.




I guess all Pop needed was the proper motivation.

The Fine Art of Letting Go

The following is reprinted from Daily OM:

Parenting asks us to rise to some of the most difficult challenges this world has to offer, and one of its greatest paradoxes arises around the issue of attachment. On the one hand, successful parenting requires that we love our children, and most of us love in a very attached way. On the other hand, it also requires that we let go of our children at the appropriate times, which means we must practice some level of nonattachment. Many parents find this difficult because we love our children fiercely, more than we will ever love anyone, and this can cause us to overstep our bounds with them as their independence grows. Yet truly loving them requires that we set them free.

Attachment to outcome is perhaps the greatest obstacle on the parenting path, and the one that teaches us the most about the importance of practicing nonattachment. We commonly perceive our children to be extensions of ourselves, imagining that we know what's best for them, but our children are people in their own right with their own paths to follow in this world. They may be called to move in directions we fear, don't respect, or don't understand, yet we must let them go. This letting go happens gradually throughout our lives with our children until we finally honor them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. At this point, it is important that we treat them as peers who may or may not seek our input into their lives. This allows them, and us, to fully realize the greatest gift parents can offer their offspring -independence.

Letting go in any area of life requires a deep trust in the universe, in the overall meaning and purpose of existence. Remembering that there is more to us and our children than meets the eye can help us practice nonattachment, even when we feel overwhelmed by concern and the desire to interfere. We are all souls making our way in the world and making our way, ultimately, back to the same source. This can be our mantra as we let our children go in peace and confidence.

Momo and Pop's 54 Year Secret

Momo shared her secret with me. I have done my best to encourage her to respond personally, but she is hesitant, for whatever reason.

Nonetheless, there are those of you who have expressed an interest. So I am relaying the information as it was expressed to me.

Momo says most of the time she loves Pop dearly...
" And then there's other times", she said rubbing her thumb and index finger together, "I'd just like to squish him like a bug".

(Turns out, we all have that type of marriage, don't we?)

Easter Monday or HAPPY DAY

I was often teased that I'd use any excuse to celebrate. I guess it's the "Pollyanna" in me (let's find a reason to be happy).

When you have small children in the home, you relish the giggles and smiles. You want them to be happy, so you spend the largest majority of your time and energy preoccupied with that concept. I remember once making a "Happy Day" cake for my girls, with the full understanding that sometimes you just can't wait for the next birthday.

I feel like my two daughters should have quite a few good childhood memories, and a varied assortment of family traditions. My own childhood memories and family traditions still provide a wealth of information for me... good feelings, points to ponder and amusement.. like that groovy Easter pic yesterday.

I don't know how they plan to use all this information, but I have faith they will figure that out. When they were growing up, our family time was consumed with all things adolescent girls deem life sustaining... the sleepovers, band and orchestra concerts, tennis and softball, ballet and jazz.... I was counting on raising well-rounded thinking young women.

See, that's the thing. We always hope that we have provided enough information, afforded enough opportunities, established the best morals and integrity...

That's how you show gratitude for the gift of a child, right?

We're Celebrating At My House

No new recipes (but I have a few good ones in reserve, if you're interested). We dined on leftover meatloaf. I was just too damn pre-occupied with leftover situations from the weekend and beyond to delve into the cookbooks for something more exciting. Sorry.

I have a wonderful Southern Living meatloaf recipe (which rivals my other half's mother--although that was never my intent!) and I'd be more then happy to share. I just never thought of meatloaf as something special. It's more like a "what's at the bottom of the heap" recipe.

I'd much rather have something with some real flavor. Plus, with all I've read lately, I really don't feel good about any recipe that calls for red meat. I think I'd much rather have some brain food (fish). I'm ready for some Shrrimp Scampi or a shrimp stir-fry with a dab of my pear honey.

Anyway, I decorated for Easter.

The other half could care less, but--he'll work around it, if it makes me happy.

This little chickie ensemble used to take Jeni Rae days to get arranged just right.

Why Ask Why?

We enjoyed a dinner of Taco Stufffed Pasta Shells last night while watching back-to-back episodes of house makeover shows. What is it about these shows that provide so much interest for women?

What I should be asking is why is a comfortable home so important to women when it is obvious that most husbands could survive (and be happy) in a tent?

I see this as yet another example of God's sense of humor.

The REAL Secret

Yesterday I had an absolutely marvelous day. It didn't start that way, but I was hell bent on having a good day so I rolled with the flow. I acted like all the worries and insecurities of the world just didn't exist AT ALL.

I thought I'd try this approach to life based on some surprising information shared by two members of my women's circle. These sixty-ish ladies plow through life with their own agenda, oblivious to daily upsets. They had no problem sharing their secret--I had to ask!

It appears you should have fun in life and do what makes you happy. And the key to a successful marriage is food and sex. Sounds so simple… why hadn't I thought of that?

I might occasionally get distracted by those three 20-something children we have whose lives I cannot make perfect. That individual up the road that is hell-bent on being the social coordinator and Queen of Unsolicited Advice might be crowding me a bit, too. Well, yesterday I let all that go.

I started planning dinner at about noon or so. I gave my other half the needed attention (he called it "spontaneous combustion") and went out to trim the hedges ignoring the fact that I have no hedgetrimers. Piss on it--I can do just fine with my clippers.

I cleared out the garden when my other half fired up the tiller and said he would run it, if I cleared the garden out. I played "gopher" and fetched the tools he asked for--enjoying the walk up the hill, back to the house--maybe 3 times. I dutifully sat on the hillside and watched my other half cut down a big ass dead tree. (I don't understand that one, but for some reason, a wife is needed to watch these things.)

I pulled off a apple bourbon pork roast and some Cajun roasted potatoes, despite the fact there were five or six young men in their 20s playing VERY LOUD MUSIC in the studio. I pulled it off so well, they didn't even realize we had had dinner! I have found that young men are like strays… if you feed them, they will never go home.

I did break that last rule when my stepson (soon to be 24!) mentioned he had not eaten anything all day and was looking a bit faint. I gave him the old analogy about gasoline and cars and how food is the fuel your body must have to keep going. I hope he listened and understood. Then I served up cheese and crackers and hot beef dip. After he and a friend inhaled ALL OF IT, along with a pitcher of lemonade, while standing over the island in the kitchen, they left. That's when I was struck with the reality of what those two wise women had told me….

Men really only need two things to be utterly, completely happy: food and sex.

You Got What You Got

All my life, I have plotted my course and planned ahead. Some things worked out, while other ideas fell flat. My other half spent his life soaking in the moments.

I guess both plans would have worked out so much better had we spent more than the past five years together. Part of me is very frustrated that we didn't somehow make it work rather than split back in 1978. I imagine had we stayed together, all the hard work would be done by now--the planning, the fixing, the blending of families.

But as he pointed out a couple of years ago--to my great dismay--you got what you got.

We're still working out the fine points. I have two daughters from an 18 year marriage and he has a son from a 20 year divorce. There are sharp contrasts in our children, (aged 21, 22 & 23) which is to be expected given the differences in parenting styles and family experiences.

I'm reminded of something my mother repeated often during my youth. "Experience is hard teacher, but it sticks with you."

Bend So You Don't Break

I remember it was a warm evening for February. I drove with the windows down all the way through town, and under the underpass near the railroad tracks--the same underpass that was notorious for catching trucks whose drivers weren't thinking about the height of their vehicles until it was suddenly too late.

My roommate, Angela, and I drove out of town and on to the winding gravel side roads… I don't recall--now some 30 years later--much else except that I wrecked my car. I knocked down a few trees and went through a fence. I think the windshield was busted, the roof and a door was caved in and the car had to be towed.

I think we were probably both just limber enough that evening to avoid injury.

The police came, no tickets were issued and no ambulances were called. A friend of my came by in the midst of all this and gave us a ride to my boyfriend's house.

I know that it took 3 or 4 weeks to repair my car. During that time, I borrowed my boyfriend's car and/or van to get back and forth to my job at the local newspaper.

I asked my mother, just this morning, what she recalled about this particular incident. She said she knew alcohol must have been involved because Angela and I were always drinking and getting into things.

I don't recall having that conversation, 30 years ago. I asked her--point blank--did she say anything to that effect, when I had the accident.

"No," she said. "Because it wouldn't have made any difference."

Once More... With Feeling

I figured it out!!

My remedial training is male menopause--or manopause, if you want to be all politically correct.

I divorced my girls' father during his manopause. I reacted to his weirdness, decided I wanted no part of it, and fast as my little feet could carry me--moved on. And in all the time since then, whenever the issue is brought up, I just shake my head and sigh--remembering all that happened before, during and after.

I guess I didn't learn anything from the experience. I didn't want to... didn't take the time. In fact, it never crossed my mind to be a part of it!! No matter, because God has seen fit to present male manopause in all its glory, one more time.

My other half, Husband Number Three is turning 50 in the spring. What makes it so difficult is he just realized he's not 20 anymore, within the past year or so.

I know midlife is a shocker. And I sympathize-- and empathize! Instead of the girly existence I had grown so comfortable with, I now know I am middle age. I can feel it in my knees and hands. I can see it when I look in the mirror. It's a battle of hair removal and moisturizer.

I have come to understand my menopause --I'm in my 4th year. If what I've been reading is correct, I'm on the downhill slope. (Woohoo!) So, thank you God, for giving me a bit of experience under my belt with my menopause, before giving me the remedial training with manopause.

And I'm going to put all I have into being just a little more patient, and just a bit more understanding, because I really don't want any more remedial training.

Round Two

You see the way he's looking at me?

I know. I know. Human nature makes us believe if we ignore things they will go away. But we all know that never works.

If we sweep it under the rug, eventually we'll trip over the big fat lump and fall flat on out face. I've tripped once or twice and now the lump in the rug is really getting very annoying.

Problems do not go away. They must be addressed... worked through and resolved. Damnit!

My Mama always says there's no appreciation if you don't have to work hard for it. Nothing comes easily.

I've come to believe that God will give you an opportunity to learn, and if you don't get it, he'll give you another opportunity. With that thought, it would be wise to get it first go round, if possible. I guess I'm just not as wise as I once thought... or maybe just a little more human.

Roadtrip!

This single word can either create squeals of anticipation or the moaning and groaning of dread.

I'm sure when Ms. Astronaut was planning her roadtrip, it made perfect sense and was carefully planned.

I look forward to hearing just what prompted her to chase after a woman who may have been involved with a man that she is somewhat involved with...

Also, how do you think she feels about her trip--and her well-laid plans-- now that it's all said and done.

Hindsight inevitably affords us the opportunity to view events from a fresh perspective.

Have You No Shame?

One year ago yesterday, I started this blog. In honor of this milestone, I'm sharing a bit more...
my cafepress shop.

The tees are not getting the rave reviews I had anticipated, but I'm having fun.

Find these and more at http://www.cafepress.com/mizmellonline

Round & Round We Go

Life changes quickly. So quickly, that often we don't realize it until after it's done.

I vaguely remember a Tarot card some 5 years ago that warned my current course would alter life as I then knew it. Well, life at that particular time was too full of lawyers and courtrooms, so I welcomed the change.

Five years later, I'm 1400 miles away from the two single most important things in my life… the two things that can make or break my day… my girls.

They opted to stay with their Dad. Nice looking fellow, who could fool even the best into thinking he's an okay guy. He's good company for an evening or two, but not a "long-haul" type of guy. Over time, I have come to realize his real worth was as a sperm donor .

Unforunately, my daughters still have hope that one day they will wake up and he will be that Dad they had hoped he would be along.

I believe in the "what goes around, comes around" concept. That's why the most satisfying interaction with my ex-husband is imaginary.

Besides, I'd rather continue the relationship I started with my daughters the day they were born... the mother-daughter bond that endures.

It bends, may get twisted at times, but never ever breaks.

Sleeping With The Memory

I took a ride with my other half the other day because he wanted to show me something. I became interested when he suggested I bring the camera.

I enjoy sharing landscape photographs with old friends in Texas. I love it when they're envious of the Virginia landscape. The twists and turns of the road provide constant visual stimulation--to say the least!--and the mountains seem to wrap around like a protective barrier.

My daughters have come to appreciate certain aspects of a change of scenery. Old and familiar offers no challenge. Life becomes a drudgery. Bad habits creep in and days run together. Before long, there is no time.

People make time for what is important. Or like my other half philosophies, "People do what they want to do." Maybe the tough part is figuring out what you want to do... or not playing out the many "what ifs" in your head.

Just keep moving. Do something. Then at the end of the day, you can rest peacefully with your memories.

On Holiday

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... "

We realize this more during the holiday season--especially during the aftermath of the wild rush that is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Interaction with in-laws and out-laws and relatives can wear you out. Everyone sleeps hard during the holidays... when they finally sleep.

The sleeping patterns of 5 individuals were made abundantly clear this season. Someone was up all the time, I think. Middle of the night trips to the kitchen or bathroom usually involved running into someone else who was either already up, getting up or going back to bed. It made for hot topics of conversation over coffee the next morning. We survived.

Adaptability is a virtue, indeed. My children have been blessed with this. They arrived suitcases in tow, to spend the holidays with their mother and this man she married 5 years ago. The house was quickly transformed into a "girly" house complete with the smells of scented lotions and the giggles and guffaws of two young women enthused over no work or school for a few days. Both pointed out that they were "on holiday."

I like the sound of that. The girls get but a small amount of time off and I am so proud they chose to spend it here. I think I'm most pleased by the comfort level they express in their day to day actions... here in an old house we have made home.

There's a level of respect we all have for one another and for the tight quarters we share over Christmas. An eyebrow may occasionally be raised, looks may pass between one or two--but no harsh words or opinions. I think we all realize we are what we are and we've got what we've got. This is family. What are you going to do with family?

You bend for family. You maintain a certain level of discretion. You let things slide and look at the bigger picture.

But most of all you love them unconditionally.

Merry, Ho Ho

Time for the mad rush which is Christmas.

My mother and I have started the weekly shopping trips. At 70 years old, she boasts of 14 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren and shops for every single one... along with their significant others. She's definitely "showing the love."

I'm still learning to love. I have a wonderful book of meditations I read every morning with the intention of getting my day off to the appropriate start. It reminds me of things I should already know, but find myself forgetting.

My Jessica made mention of one such point yesterday... Fear creates anger. Fussiness, being a grump, crankiness... whatever form it takes, often stems from something much deeper. Human nature often makes us reactive to anger, rather than taking the time to understand the source or the real problem. Being reactive, of course, just adds "fuel to the fire."

But, if we take the time to try and understand the fear associated with the anger, there won't be any brushfires to put out.